Agape Love

Recently, I was searching for some of my Christian books that had been packed away in boxes. In the process, I found some of my old prayer journals. I began journaling in September of 2004, so in my hands I had 14 years of prayers and letters to God. When I began the practice of journaling, I was in a very painful time in my life. I was still healing from a divorce and passed experiences that I had never dealt with. Needless to say, there were some painful memories tucked away in these notebooks. It took me several days to muster up the courage to begin to read them and look back on where I was at that time. There were journals in there regarding all aspects of my life; the good, the bad and the ugly! There were some of gratitude, praise and thanksgiving for God’s goodness. Others, I was pressing into God and crying out to Him for help because life’s challenges were weighing heavy on me. One common factor I found in many of my writings is that I wanted to be loved. Through much soul searching and reflecting, I’ve decided it was time to pull down some walls and lift the curtain on some very secretive aspects of my life that have only been shared with those closest to me and my counselor. I have chosen to reveal these secrets because it will give you a deeper understanding of the goodness of God and what He has done in my life.

         

I grew up in a single parent home with a wonderful mother who loved me more than she could express in words but always revealed through her actions. I knew who my father was and did have somewhat of a relationship with him as a small child, but when he married, I did not see him or hear from him again until I was 20 years old. The REJECTION I felt on multiple occasions when attempting to maintain a relationship with him throughout my childhood became unbearable, so I gave up.  At the very tender age of six or seven years old, I was sexually abused. I know for myself, I cannot speak for every survivor, a little bit of my spirit died. I felt SHAME and dirty. I felt UNWORTHY and never felt good enough or pretty enough. I always felt like something was WRONG with me. This had a huge impact on my adult life because every relationship was affected by it from the relationship with my husband at the time, to my children and any person I encountered. I never let people in completely, and I did not TRUST easily. Despite the walls I had built around myself, I LONGED for one thing the most, to be LOVED. I yearned for love so deeply. I thought the only way a person could be truly loved was by the love of a man. My thoughts about what love really was were so distorted and completely wrong. I would pray to God in my letters to Him to send me a man who would love me. I would ask Him to send me someone because I did not want to be ALONE. To be quite honest I was a hot mess emotionally!

After reading several of my entries and thinking to myself “this is a girl who just wanted to be loved,” God whispered to me, “I have loved you the way you’ve longed to be loved since the beginning of time.” My heart was so full and I was reminded of my completeness in Christ Jesus. I was also reminded of just how much HE LOVED me in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” God loved me so much He sacrificed His son so that I would have eternal life! He also told me in Jeremiah 31:3 “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness.” An everlasting love, He says! He promised me in Isaiah 54:10 “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed.” God found me bound by satan’s lies that I was unworthy to be loved and in a desert land He found me, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded me and cared for me, He guarded me as the apple of his eye (Deuteronomy 32:10). I am so thankful for answered prayer! God heard my cries and longing to be loved and answered them by revealing to me that HIS LOVE is the ultimate love! Oh my goodness, how could I have been so blind all these years? Though it took me years to see it and understand it, God’s love is the ONLY love I need. I no longer have to search for love in empty places or settle for the remnants of what this world has to offer me. I have the AGAPE love of God! My brethren, my hope in writing this message to you is that you too will be filled with HIS agape love. That He will reveal Himself to you and give you an awareness of how completely and immeasurably He loves YOU!

~A Loved Diva~

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Praising God Through the Storm

Since my last blog my oldest son has begun his three-year sentence in prison. I have to admit this has been both an emotional and spiritual struggle for me. It does not matter how strong you are in your faith when it comes to our kids we become vulnerable to things like worry, anxiety, stress, depression and so many other emotions. As a parent, our natural instinct is to want to protect them but sometimes we have to step back and let God take over. In those moments, things look bleak and depression, anxiety and worry want to creep their ugly little selves in that we have to praise God through the storm.

My heart was completely shattered in the days following my son’s transfer to his prison unit. Though you are anticipating the event you are still never fully prepared emotionally. I consider myself a strong person so when I realized I started isolating myself from others and then from those closest to me I knew I had to do something. I was already praying and journaling so what more could I do? I had been suggested a movie called War Room some time back by my dear friend so I finally watched it. If you have not seen it, watch it! The storyline is about a young wife who is mentored by an elderly woman who was strong in her faith and taught how to “fight” for her family the right way, in prayer. She showed the young wife her “War Room” where she would go to get deep into the word of God and pray. The mentor in the movie reminded the young woman “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12). This inspired me to do the same. I not only went to spiritual war for my son I went to war for myself. I called on two of my friends who are prayer warriors to pray for me as I struggled with depression and isolation. Later that evening I was driving home and one of my favorite praise songs came on “Shackles” by Mary Mary. As I began to sing along a word came to me…praise Him through the storm! That’s exactly what I did! I listened to praise music all the way home and sang along and lifted one hand in worship (the other one was on the steering wheel). I worshiped God and told Him to thank him for delivering me from the spirit of depression and worry. Thank you for your word in Nehemiah 8:10…” do not grieve for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” I felt a weight lifted and my spirit was lighter and there was a significant change in my disposition. At that moment I understood just how powerful praise is and how powerless the devil is! The enemy does not stand a chance when you start praising the Lord! My faith tells me the battle has already been won, it was won on Calvary thousands of years ago. I know God’s promises never return void so as He is working out all things for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose (Romans 8:28) I will continue to praise Him. 

In those moments when you feel nothing but despair and hopelessness I encourage you to get in your war room and fight the good fight! Take back your families and begin to pray for salvation, blessings, and prosperity over them. Begin to speak against every assignment the devil has against you and your family and against every stronghold, In Jesus' Mighty Name. Create a playlist of your favorite praise and worship songs and blast it from the speakers raise your hands and begin to praise God and thank Him for His goodness. Completely “submit yourselves to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7)

~A Diva Praising God Through the Storm~

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Trusting God Through the Storm

This year has turned out to be a challenging year for my family and I. Though you may see pictures of happy smiling faces the reality is there is pain and our hearts are broken. It’s the grace of God you see in those photos and His supernatural peace and strength.

My family has experienced loss after loss this year beginning with the passing of Luis Palacios Sr. The unexpected death of my sons’ father was both shocking and tragic. Grief is something that never goes away, it just becomes more manageable in time and comes in waves. Through the years I have always been able to “fix things” and make them better for my kids when life seemed a bit unfair. This was one situation I could not fix. I was at a loss of what to do. I prayed for God to give me the spirit of discernment and wisdom to know when my boys needed to be comforted and when they needed to grieve alone. In the process I was dealing with my own grief. Though we had been divorced for 17 years the pain was almost unbearable to know that the man I met as a young 15 year old girl and began my adult life with was no longer present on this earth. We respected one another’s privacy and kept our distance but just knowing he was across town was comforting when it came to our children. Now, I have to guide my three kings through this world and adulthood on my own with God as my counselor.

In July of this year my youngest son was in a terrible car accident and could have lost his life. God had mercy on him and protected him! He fell asleep at the wheel and hit a pole head on. He was not wearing a seat belt and flew into the windshield, thankfully my boys have hard heads, because he only suffered a concussion and whip lash from that. He also had a deep laceration on his right arm that also caused an arterial tear, according to those in the medical field he could have bled out in two minutes and died. Thankfully there was an ambulance at the QT which was in front of where the accident took place. He received the medical attention he needed right away and I firmly believe this is why he is still with us today. God’s grace and mercy are boundless, AMEN!!! No, words can describe the way I felt when I called the hospital and was told “I cannot give you any information over the phone”. I rebuked the devil and his thoughts because I knew God was with him. I pray to God every day please protect my boys and keep them safe and He did!

On Tuesday, October 2^nd my oldest son was picked up due to a warrant. As many of you know he was on the Texas Top Ten most wanted poster that floated around social media. One thing I’ve learned a lot about people on social media is that regardless of how much they portray themselves as a “friend” their comments and what they choose to give attention to reveal their true identity. I just pray for them and hope they never have to experience the pain their comments and remarks brought to my family but I do forgive them. Many said “finally”, “he got what he deserved”, “he is a waste of talent”, “I know this guy, should I? I could use the money” etc.… the comments go on and on. Though some statements may be justified because I am a mother that lives in a state of reality and I am completely aware of the pain my son has caused to many; one thing I will stand in defense of is HE IS NOT A WASTE OF TALENT (no person on this earth is a waste) God does not make mistakes! My heart is broken because I know the road my son has before him and yes he did bring this upon himself however; as his mother I still feel the loss. I will always have my son’s back, but will also hold him accountable to his actions. I do not pretend my children are perfect because then I would live my life in a state of delusion. I choose to be transparent, authentic and raw! I am a mother with children who make mistakes. I also firmly and strongly believe and hold on to God’s promises in Isaiah 54: 13 “All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace...17 no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.” My son’s priorities have not always been right but he does love his children. I know from experience it’s hard to show love for those around you when you don’t even love yourself. The real Louie that most people have not had the opportunity to know is one of kindness, compassion and love. He is a protector for those who cannot protect themselves. I have seen him time and time again secretly give water to the homeless, give his last dollar to the beggar on the corner, buy food for the drug addict sitting outside of the fast food restaurant and cry from brokenness in his life. This is the real Louie and I firmly believe that when he comes home he will return as the man he always has been, with no facade of anger, tough guy, gangster or whatever mask he chose to put on for the day. As you can see, I am still processing this situation and my passions are deep. I share to encourage other mothers who may be going through or who have gone through similar circumstances, do not give up on your children never deny them or be embarrassed of them. Love them through it and continue to share God’s word with them and pray it over them every day. They need to know the one person that brought them into this world will always be their one constant supporter especially when it feels like everyone else has tuned their back. Stay strong moms and go to spiritual battle for your kids!

So many of us go through hidden battles and very challenging circumstances and have no idea how we will cope. If it were not for the continued spiritual growth I have gained through every trail I have experienced I would not be able to lead my family with the grace and confidence in Christ that I have been. Do I have my moments that I break down and cry, absolutely! Do I have times when I question God and wonder why this is happening, more than I should! I am human, I will experience episodes of weakness and I will question the reasons why but I will always pray and rest in the knowledge of Romans 8:28 "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Stay vigilant for your family my friends and you will see the miracles of God unfold in your life.

~A Praying Diva~

Letter to Luis

 Dear Lou,

It’s been almost two months now since you’ve gone to be with the Lord. I never imagined I would have to live in this world without you. The boys and I miss you terribly. Even though we did not live together for the past 17 years I always knew you were there.  Though I may not have ever showed it or verbalized it; my love for you always ran deep.

We met when we were just babies at the age of 14 and 15, who would have thought from that encounter a legacy would be created. Our first born came to us at 17 and 18 years old and tied our souls together for eternity. Two more precious babies were created by the love we had for one another. All the memories of the life we shared together have come flooding back since March 21^st. I remember how we cried together when we left the first apartment we lived in to move into our first home (lol). You were always a very sentimental person. I remembered how you and Louie would cut the huge yard together on Fontaine. Louie was only three or four years old and helped as much as he could but you always seemed to find a way to make him feel like he was the biggest help. Oh, remember when I came to the hotel with balloons to tell you I was pregnant? You were so excited! Our sweet Christian was born nine months later. It took us so long to decide what we were going to name him, remember (lol). We went back and forth for months. He was so attached to you because you would keep him with you during the day until it was time for you to go to work at Dillard’s. It didn’t stop there did it? No, we decided to have one more and try for a baby girl but we were blessed with another boy. God knew what he was doing when he gave me all boys. I think I would have gone nuts with a girl (lol). You were almost successful in convincing me to have one more to try for a girl one last time but I folded (lol). You still got your girl though, Kayla loves you so much and your baby boy Jacob is such a sweetheart. All your kids miss you so much.

It’s so sad to think about how true the old adage “you never realize how much you love someone until they’re gone” is. Though life and circumstances separated us physically I don’t think our hearts were ever separated, only the both of us were too prideful and stubborn to admit it. I just want to tell you how sorry I am for any pain I may have caused you in your life. I ca only hope you were able to find it in your heart to forgive me at some point in your life. I know I wasn’t always the easiest to deal with at times but as you know, my passions and my emotions run deep. I hope you are at rest now and that every part of you is completely healed in body, mind and spirit. Don’t worry about the boys I will continue to take good care of them. They know you love them and will continue your legacy of a “father’s love” with their children.

Although my heart is broken because the only man I feel ever loved me true and deep is gone; I will be at peace knowing I was loved so purely. In case you didn’t know before, my love was just as pure, just as deep and just as true. My love for you will always be.

Love always,

Cristina (you always said my name in Spanish)

Hitting the Reset Button

“Hitting the Reset Button”

A new year always brings with it a feeling of optimism, hopefulness, and anticipation for something better. As the year unfolds though, we may find those positive and hopeful feelings dwindling with each obstacle that may hinder what we thought was going to be “a better year”. We begin to lose hope and the feeling of optimism goes out the window like most New Year resolutions. This message is one that I want to share so that you can be reminded when life does not go as we had planned do not be discouraged but know, it might just be part of the plan.

At the beginning of 2017, I came into the year with debt I had not incurred on my own, but was left to pay on my own. I had also applied for jobs that would mean a promotion for me and more pay, only to be passed up. I applied to graduate school so that I could obtain my master’s degree to teach undergrad courses and was not accepted. So, these events along with the day-to-day obstacles that do not always come with an immediate solution kept coming at me all year. All I remember thinking is “obviously God has a better plan”, although I had to be reminded by those closest to me, I tried not to lose my faith in God and His plan.

Here we are at the start of a new year. Working in higher education and in one of the busiest departments in the industry the first couple of weeks have been somewhat of a blur. Helping our students get set up for the new semester, in addition to providing guidance to students I mentor, and keeping up with my daily job duties made it difficult for me to give attention to my personal goals, like getting into graduate school. I was denied immediate acceptance due to being one point shy of the GPA requirement and 15 points shy of the General Requirements Exam (GRE). Needless to say I was very disappointed. I couldn’t understand why the door had been closed. I was so sure this is what God would want because He placed the desire in my heart. I thought ok, well this just means I need to approach the goal from a different direction. I planned to retake some courses to raise my GPA and reapply in the fall. I had not had a chance to implement my plan because I had been so busy at work, so Friday I took time off to handle personal business, school being one. I submitted the final document needed to complete my admission requirement to allow me to register. I decided to register on Saturday to allow time for Tarleton to process my paperwork. While I was running other errands I received a phone call from our Community & Industry department at work letting me know they have a GED class they want me to teach on Tuesday, Thursday that would begin January 23^rd. You don’t know how excited I was to receive this phone call! I would begin my adjunct teaching job with the college, in addition to my regular job, which would provide more income (you know to pay off that debt I was stuck with) and give me a little relief. It was at that moment I realized why graduate school and retaking classes this semester were put on hold, God had another plan! His plans are always better than our own. My Father in heaven knew I would be overwhelmed with trying to do both so He provided me a solution to meet my financial need, allow me to obtain teaching experience and more time to prepare for graduate school in the fall. In His time God will reveal His purpose and plan to you. So, if at the moment when things are unfolding you don’t understand it, just wait a bit He’ll show you.

I mentioned earlier that I had applied for new positions within the college and at other institutions but had been passed up. I know that with any application it’s a process. A process of you might get an interview, might not. You might be interviewed and get a second interview, might not. You might be selected for the position, might not. Needless to say it does not mean you don’t experience disappointment during the process. The only thing I can do is continue to apply for opportunities that present themselves and know that God will place me exactly where He needs me and in His time. In the mean time I will do my part and trust Him.

I share this message because like myself, there are so many that need to be reminded its ok if we have to “hit the reset button”. No matter what age, stage in life or what goal we had in mind sometimes it’s necessary. So, don’t be discouraged when doors close or when opportunity does not go as planned, remember God has a plan far better than our own. Give Him time to reveal it to you.

~An Enlightened Diva~

Hebrew 10:36