It has been three months since my bilateral breast cancer diagnosis, and the prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement have blessed me and made this journey easier to walk through. I am so thankful for the support system I have been blessed with and the doctors God assigned for my care. I could not be more grateful! A few years ago, God began to do a work in me that took a lot of refining in the fire, stripping away old habits, thoughts, behaviors and all that was not a reflection of who He is. He began to heal me and create me anew (2 Corinthians 5:17). Had it not been for this refining season, I do not think I would have been able to walk in this new season with such peace and purpose. Did I walk into it gracefully? No, not as much as I would have liked to. Let me share with you how God, through Jesus and the Holy Spirit, brought me to perfect peace and joy, despite a cancer diagnosis.
The first month after my diagnosis, I was ok. I had a positive mindset because I was told that we found the tumors early. I was set to have a bilateral mastectomy with DIEP Flap reconstruction and we would monitor with medication for the next five years. Pretty cut and dry, right?! Well, as I was being prepped for surgery with MRIs, CT scans, and all the blood work, my amazing surgical oncologist found an additional tumor in my right breast. This prompted her to do a biopsy of my right lymph nodes, which came back positive for cancer cells. The cancers in both breasts were completely different tumors, but the right one was more aggressive. I did my best to remain positive, but reality set in and my spirit broke. On April 26th, I became spiritually broken, because in my human capacity of understanding, it was not supposed to be like this! I wept that evening, cried myself to sleep and woke still in the same broken emotional mess I went to sleep in. I do believe the scripture “...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5), but not this particular morning. My husband did not want to leave me in that state, but I assured him I would be fine; I just needed some time with Jesus. After he left for work, I grabbed my prayer journal, wrote to God, got out what I was feeling and then lay prostrate on my living room floor. Listening to praise and worship music, I spoke to my Abba Father. I invited the Holy Spirit to come into my home and counsel me, help me to understand. As I lay there surrendered to the Holy Spirit, He began to take me on a journey through my life. He showed me how he was with me at birth, when I was born a blue baby, having no oxygen for 24 hours, but still survived. He reminded me he was with me when my innocence was robbed from me as a little girl, and when I attempted suicide at the age of 17 years old, but He had other plans and blessed me with my son, my reason to keep going. Then we walked through the broken marriage into the life of a single mother, only I was not single at all, He was with me every day. The Holy Spirit said, “This valley is no different, I am walking with you still. I have NEVER left you”. Then at that moment I could feel peace, confidence and joy welling up inside my spirit. I once again had peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
I would not be honest if I said that was the only time I had a meltdown. The spirit of fear and discouragement tried to rear their ugly heads again. After my bilateral lumpectomy and biopsy of my left side lymph nodes, I met with my medical oncologist and went over the lab results. The left side showed to have clear margins around the tumor and clear lymph nodes, Praise the Lord! Unfortunately, the right side was not a good report. There were cancer cells in the margins of both tumors extracted from the right breast. My doctor suggested chemotherapy because of the aggressive nature of the cells. This was NOT what I was expecting, seeing as how in the beginning I was given a more positive outcome. I went home feeling defeated and discouraged. Again, I found myself at the feet of Jesus. I pulled out my prayer journal and started writing. I was upset, frustrated and all the emotions one could imagine feeling at this moment. I began to vigorously write out my feelings, expressing all my frustration, when a whisper over my right shoulder asked, “Do you trust me?”. I paused for a second or two, kept writing and again I heard “Do you trust me?”. I paused for a few seconds longer this time, looked away for a second, wondering, “Is that you, Lord?” but then brushed it off and continued writing. A third time I hear “Do you trust me?”. At that moment, I knew it was the Lord. I put my pen down in full surrender and with my face in my hands cried, “Yes, but I’m scared”. After I spoke those words, I had a vision. I saw myself as an adult but with a childlike spirit. I was standing at the threshold of a doorway and on the other side, it was pitch black. I could not see past the doorway, then I saw a hand (only a hand and maybe up to the wrist). I knew in my spirit it was the hand of God, He was asking me to take His hand and TRUST Him as HE walked with me through the unknown, then He reminded me “You asked me to use you to take territory for my Kingdom”. In full surrender, I took His hand and stepped over the threshold.
That day, I chose to completely and fully trust God, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is in control and walking this valley with me. Once again, my spirit welled over with peace, confidence, or “Godfidence” and joy that can only come from HIM. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, “ declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Since that day, I was told I did not have to do chemotherapy after all, I am doing very low doses of radiation to minimize side effects so that I can be ready for my “big surgery” sooner. In the meantime, I spend time with God every day, I read and speak healing scriptures over myself, I have written down in my small prayer journal and I walk with joy in my heart and a smile on my face knowing I am healed, in the name of Jesus. My purpose is to encourage others that no matter what battle, valley, or obstacle you may be facing, there is hope in Jesus Christ our Savior, TRUST HIM!!!
~A Disciple of Christ
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