Leaving an Inheritance

The other day in a conversation I had with one of my children the matter of  “leaving something for my kids” came up. As parents, we work hard to leave something to our children once our time here on earth is done. Oftentimes when we think about an inheritance we think of material possessions, homes, cars, money, etc.… All these things are great and provide a sense of accomplishment for you, because you are leaving something behind that would be useful to your children. Your children may feel secure because they can use or sell a home and vehicles, for example, to provide more financial stability. The ability to leave possessions to your children is a blessing but my most prized possession I can leave to my kids is my faith, my relationship with Jesus and Abba Father.

Faith and the knowledge of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit is what I long to leave my children, grandchildren, someday great-grandchildren, and generations to come. I told my son, that our possessions die when our body dies, and we can not take them with us. What we gain through God and our Savior Jesus Christ goes with us to eternity in Heaven. Our spiritual growth, wisdom, knowledge, and purpose cannot be taken away. 

What is gained from knowing God and leaving a legacy of faith in Jesus Christ our Savior? EVERYTHING! God is everything we need all in ONE. He is JEHOVAH ROHI - The Lord My SHEPHERD (Psalm 23:1), JEHOVAH JIREH - The Lord My PROVIDER (Genesis 23:14), JEHOVAH RAPHA - The Lord My HEALER (Psalm 103:3), JEHOVAH SHALOM - The Lord My PEACE (John 16:33), JEHOVAH NISSI - The Lord my BANNER (Exodus 17:15), JEHOVAH TSIDKENU - The Lord My Righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:19-21), JEHOVAH SHAMMAH - The Lord IS THERE FOR ME (Ezekiel 48:35)

With the Lord as my Shepherd, I shall not want or desire anything because He is my provider. When I am sick I can turn to the Lord as my healer and be restored. I will always have peace no matter the circumstances. My salvation is secured in Jesus who was without sin and died on the cross so I may live in eternity with Him. I have the security that God will never leave me nor forsake me. 

THIS…this is the best inheritance, legacy, and most prized possession I can leave my children. If they can receive this knowledge and understanding of Our God and how much He loves them, I have left them richer than any money or material possession can give them. 

The Frontlines of Spiritual Warfare for Our Youth

 About three years ago I did a book study with a group of ladies all wanting to grow stronger in prayer. The book was Fervent: A Woman’s Battle Plan for Serious, Specific, and Strategic Prayer, by Priscilla Shirer. This was the most powerful book, next to the Bible itself, I have ever read. What I loved about it was that it gave me concise step-by-step instructions on how to pray for specific areas of my life and how to use scriptures in those prayers to speak God’s word over myself and my family. I have always prayed for my family, friends and all situations God laid on my heart. Little did I know, in the process God was equipping me and preparing me to stand on the frontlines in spiritual battle for those I love. Scales were removed from my eyes that kept me from being able to see what the enemy was using to keep myself and those I love bound in all forms of demonic strong holds. Once those scales were removed, it was no holds barred! I went to war for me and my family!

I have watched God answer those fervent prayers one after another over the past three years, and it humbles me to know end. To know that God loves us so much that He hears our cries and commands His angels to take charge over us so that we are guarded in all our ways, gives me the confidence I need to fight for my family. Many times, it is not only what we do in the natural but what we call down in the supernatural through prayer that makes the difference. God can ‘do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us’ (Ephesians 3:20).

My current season of life as a grandmother and mother of adult children, I see battles my children’s generation face as parents that I did not even fathom when I was their age. They are on a whole other battle ground for their children. I hear from other grandmothers their concerns over their grandchildren and what they are going through, and my heart feels for our youth. They are struggling with depression, anxiety, anger, drug addictions, rebellion and so much more, but GOD is GREATER than ALL of these! We as grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and leaders of our youth must equip ourselves with the full Armor of God! We must stand firm with the belt of truth buckled around our waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and our feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Take up the shield of faith, with which we can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God and PRAY in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests (Ephesians 6:14-18).

I encourage my children over and over, pray for your kids, cover them under the blood of Jesus, anoint the doors and windows of their rooms, where they sleep, anything they touch. I encourage them to pray for wisdom and discernment so that they know from the Holy Spirit what to say and how to say it and what to do and how to do it. I encourage anyone readying this today to speak the word of God over your children, in the book of Isaiah God said His word does not return empty, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” (Isaiah 55:11). If you do not know where to start, purchase Fervent, the book I mentioned in the first paragraph. I have also provided a prayer below if you need one now.

  

Father God,

Sons/daughters are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons/daughters born in one’s youth. Lord, I thank You for (insert child’s name) and the blessing he/she have been to our family. Father God, I ask you to forgive me for not always being the parent (child’s name) needed. Guide me with Your wisdom so that I may be a good steward over the life you have entrusted to me. I cover (child’s name) under the blood of Jesus, because I know that he/she who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. (child’s name) will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely, You will save him/her from the fowlers snare and from the deadly pestilence. You will cover him/her with your feathers, and under Your wings he/she will find refuge; Your faithfulness will be his/her shield and rampart. (child’s name) will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at his/her side, ten thousand at his/her right hand, but it will not come near him/her. (child’s name) will only observe with his/her eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. (child’s name) will make the Most High his/her dwelling, the Lord his/her refuge, no disaster will come near them. For God will command His angels concerning (child’s name) to guard him/her in all their ways; they will lift him/her up in their hands, so that he/she will not strike their foot against a stone. He/She will tread upon the lion and the cobra; he/she will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because (child’s name) loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him/her; I will protect him/her, for he/she acknowledge my name. He/She will call upon me, and I will answer him/her; I will be with him/her in trouble, I will deliver him/her and honor him/her. With long life I will satisfy him/her and show him/her my salvation. (child’s name) will be taught by the Lord and great will be his/her peace. No weapon forged against him/her shall prevail. (child’s name), you have been called to this place for such a time as this to be a light to this generation and many more to come! In Jesus name! Amen!

 

Scriptures referenced in prayer: Psalm 127: 3-4, Psalm 91, Isaiah 54:13, 17, Esther 4:14

 

Is your Miracle Waiting on you?

 A few years ago, I was at home in a funk feeling depressed and pitiful! I was financially “broke” and barely had enough money to meet my monthly expenses, but not much else after that. I remember this day so vividly because it was a turning point for me. As I was sitting on my corner of the couch, my son turned to me and said “Well, you can sit here and feel sorry for yourself and sit in your pity party, or you can go in there and use the resource you have to get yourself out of this situation.” He was referring to my Mary Kay business I had for more than 20 years by this time. So, after I got over being mildly offended and hurt that he did not take pity on his mother, I got up and went to work. That was the fall of 2018, the outcome of my getting off my fanny and getting to work was an all-expense paid, cruise vacation to the Bahamas, advancing into leadership as a Mary Kay Sales Director, and residual income that helped pay off a student loan and credit card debt. Stay with me because this blog is not about how my Mary Kay Business helped change my financial situation but how God needed me to do my part in the miracle He had waiting on me.

I have prayed, counseled, and ministered to many friends who have felt hopeless and been in tough situations be it financially, emotionally, or physically among others, that seemed to need a miracle to overcome. I would hear countless times “I’m broke, girl”, “I need a miracle from God”, or “God just does not seem to be answering me”. One day when being a listening ear to a friend who was doing everything they could to help their friend change their financial situation (for years) but did not seem to be making any progress, a word came to me. God can and will and still does miracles every day and can change our situation but it requires effort on our part. God’s miracles are a partnership, not a charitable handout. Some might argue God does not need our help to do a miracle and they would be absolutely right, but most of the miracles I have read about require some action on the part of the receiver. In Joshua, the Lord directed Joshua on how he would take over the city of Jericho. God instructed Joshua that he, the seven priests with trumpets, and the armed men would march around the walls of Jericho once a day for six days, and on the seventh day they would march seven times and the priests would sound the trumpets and then Joshua would command the people to “shout!”. When they did what God had instructed the walls came tumbling down and they took the city (Joshua 6:2-21). In the book of 2 Kings, Naaman, the commander of King Aram’s army was instructed by Elisha to go wash in the Jordan River seven times to be cleansed of his leprosy (2 Kings 5:7-14). The man who was born blind and spent his life as a beggar was healed from his blindness, but only after he went to “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (Siloam means sent) (John 9: 1-11). One last miracle that required faith and action on the individual’s part is a miracle we are all familiar with, the woman with the issue of blood. This woman bled for 12 years and not one physician could help her. Her faith told her she did not need Jesus to lay hands on her but if she could just touch the hem of his garment she knew she would be healed. This took her fighting, pushing, and forcing her way through a multitude of people all pressing into Jesus. We all know what it’s like to force our way through a crowd, it takes work and extreme effort at times, we have all experienced it at least once in our life, I am sure. She received her miracle and was healed immediately after doing her part to participate in the miracle that was waiting on her (Luke 8:43-48).

What miracle are you waiting for or rather what miracle is waiting for you? God is waiting to change your situation, transform your life, and use you to be a testimony that He is still the miracle-making God from the Old Testament and New Testament! I encourage you, brothers and sisters, to rise up, act, and take hold of your miracle! Every miracle and provision God desires to do and provide for you is there waiting just like in Joshua, 2 Kings, Luke and John…Go get it!

A Love Story Written by God

WOW…. what a whirlwind of a year this has been! I began the year completely focused and surrendered to God’s will for my life and He utterly blew my mind! I will do my best to describe just how magnificent our God is and how His grace and mercy abound much. I do not know if there are enough words in the dictionary to express just how good God is but I will certainly try.

I was a divorced single mother for 21 years and those of you who are also divorced and/or single know how lonely that can be at times. In my 21 years of singleness, I did date in an attempt to meet someone and possibly get married again someday. Unfortunately, all that happened was one failed relationship after another and a few, ok a lot of one-time dinner dates, because well, we have to have some standards, right? Some of those failed relationships did come with tremendous heartbreak but with each also came wisdom and knowledge. Did I always use the wisdom and knowledge I had gained? No, in some instances I had to repeat the mistake before it got through my thick skull that maybe that is not God’s plan for me. I would repent and “resubmit” my heart and life to God, then when He was not moving fast enough for my taste I would “help” him. That never worked either. Finally, toward the end of 2021, I was so tired and broken from the last horrible relationship I had no desire or energy to force anything else into my life. I took a sabbatical from dating and focused my time and energy on growing my relationship with God. I deleted any dating profiles I had and said no to suggestions from friends, family, and anyone who attempted to introduce me to someone new. I took those last few months of the year to focus on my relationship with the Lord and me. I had decided that I would reevaluate where I was spiritually, mentally, and emotionally at the beginning of the year to determine if I was ready to date again. Little did I know that as I was focusing on God, He was orchestrating the most beautiful love story I had ever known, mine and my husband’s.

In August of 2021 my eldest son was stranded at the airport for four hours with a flat. After many failed attempts at fixing it and finding a spare, he finally called mom (me) for guidance. He asked for a tow truck but I told him knew of someone who owns a mobile tire and service business. So, I contacted that person and my son was back on the road in less than an hour. I know this seems irrelevant but those who know me and my children up close and personally know my eldest has always been the hardest to win over. Fast forward four months I am now working a sip-n-shop for my Mary Kay business and the same gentleman that owns the mobile and tire business paid the support of his business forward and ordered products from me for himself and visited the vendor event to do a little more shopping for Christmas gifts. Even though we had been Facebook friends for almost three years already I had never met him in person. He messaged to let me know he was on his way to pick up his product so I went to the car to get it and put it in a bag for him. While I was walking to the car I noticed he was parking his truck so I waited to let him know I was going to my car. You know how in the movies when the couple lay eyes on each other for the first time and they are mesmerized and everything is in slow motion? Well, I am a living witness that it happens in real life too! As he was stepping out of his truck I watched those cowboy boots touch the ground, and noticed his heavy starched jeans and western belt, which tucked away his nicely starched button-down shirt, his Ariat vest was a nice touch too along with the felt cowboy hat but it was the smile he gave me when he said hello from under that cowboy hat that completed the ensemble and made time stand still. I replied hello and let him know I was going to my car to get his product, little did he know I was flustered and nervous on the inside like a little school girl. Like the gentleman, he is he walked me to the car and then walked back into the sip-in-shop with me. He browsed and shopped while I dropped products, receipts, and whatever else my nervous hands attempted to grab. After meeting him in person I was intrigued and I just knew I needed to know more about him so I suggested an impromptu dinner, since I had not eaten all day that day. He agreed and we had a quick pleasant dinner. He walked me to my car and said thank you for suggesting dinner gave me one of the warmest, strongest, and most comforting hugs I had ever had. It felt safe. We did not see each other but maybe one other time after that when he dropped off some food for me at my other job. I ended up with COVID the following week, which I feel was God’s way of saying, you made a promise to me and I am holding you to it. I had one of the mildest cases of COVID one could have. My kids were hit a little harder and my new friend offered his assistance countless times. Of course, I would politely decline because I tend to be a little stubborn on the receiving help spectrum but there was one day I did accept only it was for my kids. They had been nursing their baby girl through COVID and it began to take a toll. One of those days they had not eaten in almost 24 hours and it was pretty much impossible to leave one alone with the baby since she required so much care and they were tag teaming while the other rested. I asked my friend if he could drop them off some food and within 30 minutes food was on their porch. We got through COVID and finally got together as a family on New Year’s Eve since we missed Christmas quarantining. While we were there I showed my middle son my friend’s Facebook story of a deer he had shot while hunting that day. My son has always had an interest in hunting. While looking at his picture my eldest son asked “who is that?” I told him it was the guy who helped him with his tire that night at the airport his exact words were “now that’s a good guy” my middle son and I shockingly glanced at each other because he has never said that about anyone. Oh, I forgot to mention during this time my AC unit had also stopped working so we had no heat at home. The next day on January 1^st my friend invited me to dinner and also brought a space heater to help until the AC repair man came that following Thursday, he also brought a truck bed full of firewood the next day. After that first official date, I would get a good morning text with a link to a song and a sweet message to have a blessed day. This went on for weeks, I will spare you the rest of the mushy details that lead to March 11, 2022, the day he proposed and asked me to marry him. I was caught by surprise and looking a hot mess. It was dress-down Friday at work if that gives you a hint. From that moment on I knew this was the man God hand-picked for me because I had peace in my heart and in my spirit, which I had never had before. We began planning a wedding and on November 26, 2022, I became Mrs. Hector Villalpando. Even at my best, I could not have chosen a better man for me. He takes care of me on a much deeper level than anyone ever has. He leads me spiritually, covers me in prayer daily, and supports me in all I do. He cares for and loves my children as his own and I love his children just the same. I am so thankful I surrendered my life and will to God because His best for me far exceeds my expectations (Ephesians 3:20-21).

If you are single and frustrated with meeting the wrong person over and over, I encourage you to take a break and use that time to seek God and His will for you. So many times, we “hear pray for the man/woman you want, be specific in your request and God will answer”. That is great advice but that is not the only thing you should pray for. God already knows the desires of your heart and what you need. I strongly believe God knew I was ready for my husband when I stopped praying for what I wanted in a husband and began praying and asking Him to search my heart and show me the things in me I need to change to be the wife I need to be should He decide to bless me with a husband. I could have had the man of my dreams standing in front of me but If I was not right in my heart, mind, and spirit it would not have worked. I probably would have destroyed the opportunity. It was not until I began to ask God to change me that He gifted me with a man after God’s own heart. There is nothing more beautiful than walking into the living room or kitchen and seeing your husband in God’s word or listening to a sermon. So again, I encourage you to seek God first, pray and ask Him to give you the will to do the hard thing and weed out all that is not of Him. I will not lie and say that every day will be easy because it won’t be. Some days will be easy and some will be hard but remember that God’s word says in Philippians 4:13 “ I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Stay focused and “…press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called [you] heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13). If you can do that you will live in His goodness and perhaps with the one He hand-picks for you.

https://youtu.be/WEJs_Bqx8_o

~A Loved Diva💛💚

Where’s Your Focus?

2021 has been a year of transformation and restoration for me. The revelation of this did not come to me until the last few months of the year as I began to reflect on all God had done for me and in me. My word for the year was “TRANSFORM”, little did I know how powerful it would be when I chose this word. For me to fully enlighten you I have to take you back a couple of years to 2018. 

I started day one of 2019 with a 90-day devotional by Priscilla Shirer, one of my favorite pastors and teachers of the gospel. The title of the devotional is “Awaken: 90 Days with the God who Speaks”. I decided to begin the new year by spending time with God for the first part of each day. Little did I know how much of an impact this would make in all areas of my life. The year before, in 2018, our family had suffered THREE devastating blows. The first was the unexpected and tragic loss of my children’s Father at the young age of 45. Though we had already been divorced for 17 years the grief was heart-wrenching. The second was my youngest son’s car accident that could have taken his life but fortunately for him and our family, an ambulance was just a few short feet away. When I called the hospital after being informed of the accident; the nurse told me “Ma’am we will provide you with more information when you get here” my heart sank into my stomach. All I can remember thinking is “what could they not tell me over the phone?” Lastly, the imprisonment of my eldest son. No matter how much you feel you are prepared to see your child have to atone for their choices you never really can prepare yourself enough emotionally. It’s the same heartache you experience when someone dies. Sit for a moment and take that in, imagine all three events happening within a short few months of one another, one right after another before you’ve had a chance to fully process the last. I believe most would think there is no way to walk through such events without losing some of your mental and emotional stability. I admit there were days that I cried myself to sleep, got on my knees in my prayer closet, and called out to God for continued strength but I never lost my footing. My feet were planted solidly on the word of God and His promises. I remained steadfast pressing into Jesus continually which made it possible to persevere through each of these without “striking my foot against a stone” (Psalm 91:12). How you might ask? I firmly believe it was because of where my focus was. I became laser-focused on God (my Father), Jesus (my Savior), and the Holy Spirit (my Counselor). Has it always remained that way? NO! That sly, cunning, and evil devil slivered in and sadly was able to distract me.

Toward the end of 2019, I found myself in a relationship I should have never been in. I didn’t realize it at the time because I was led to believe that circumstances were different. As time went on the truth began to reveal itself. I was told repeatedly, “please give me time to make things right”. The truth is this person was still married and not at all in the process of a divorce as he had led me to believe. Against my better judgment and my spiritual beliefs, I gave him time to make it “right”. He never did and his continued pursuit of me after I attempted to walk away on multiple occasions began to shift my focus from God to him. I became so consumed even obsessed at times with every broken promise and questioning every motive he had that this “situationship” became my primary focus. As a result, I suffered a great deal of stress and heartache to the point my hair began to thin and I even had occasions of low-grade fevers with no other symptoms (which I found is also related to extreme amounts of stress). I also suffered from bouts of severe depression and anguish that resulted in days without eating, leading to unhealthy weight loss. Needless to say, I was beyond an emotional mess! Who I had become was not at all the same woman I was. I lost myself in the process and was having difficulty finding my way back.  Thanks to the support of my family and friends I was finally able to break free of that relationship. Through lots of prayer and interceding, I was delivered from the stronghold of that ungodly, unhealthy situation and set free by the Grace of God. You may be wondering where I am going with all this, so stay with me.

Recently I began a book study with some amazing Godly women on the book “Fervent” by Priscilla Shirer. In this book, she teaches you how to pray fervently and specifically over different areas of your life. One of those areas is our “Focus” and how to pray and protect ourselves against the enemy’s attempts to disguise himself and manipulate our perspectives so that we’d focus on the wrong culprit (excerpt from the book). Before starting this book study, I would often ask myself “how did I get so lost in that relationship and actually lose myself in the process?” I was so perplexed because just a couple of years before I suffered heart-wrenching events in my family and I didn’t lose myself in the process. So, what was so different this time? And just like that the proverbial light bulb came on and the Lord said to me what seemed almost audibly “your focus was different”. In 2018 my focus was on God and I continually fed myself from His word, listening to sermons on YouTube every morning and staying in prayer. The following year, 2019 my focus shifted from God to my relationship. In this chapter of the book, Priscilla talks about how important it is to put on the full Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17). The Armor of God is His Truth (God’s standard), Righteousness (right living), Peace, Faith, Salvation, and The Word of God (the Bible). All of these I had abandoned in pursuit of something the enemy used to distract me from my focus on God. Thankfully God is merciful and no matter how distracted we become, He is always there to welcome us back with His grace when we get our focus right.

 If you are struggling with stress, anxiety, depression, and a lack of peace in your life, I encourage you to examine where your focus is. Are you giving most of your attention to external factors in your life or are you focusing on God and His truths? If your answer is external factors I encourage you to get laser-focused on God and feed your spirit with His word daily. Take moments to listen to praise & worship music and listen to the love story in each song of just how profound God’s love is for you, soak it up, take it in and let it nourish your soul. I assure you that when you consistently seek HIM above all else (Matthew 6:33) you will begin to see a shift in your focus and in your life.

~A Transformed Diva

 

Take the Trip, Buy the Shoes, Get the Lashes

Recently, I took a spring break trip with one of my best-friends. We are both empty nesters and beginning a new chapter in our lives. Until just about four years ago I have been a mom to three great kids, full-time employee with a side hustle for the past 26 years and active in the community. I never felt I had time to travel and embark on new experiences but with much encouragement from friends and family I have begun to step outside of my comfort zone.

My BFF and I traveled to Nashville, TN because we are both country music fans and this was a destination on our bucket list. First, we made a stop in Memphis, TN to stretch our legs and visit some of the sites there. We arrived in Nashville Wednesday evening checked in the hotel and after a long road trip decided to visit the hotel bar & restaurant for a cocktail. We had the pleasure of being entertained by Lizzie Cates; a very talented young lady I might add. We decided to get some rest so we would have the energy for our busy day of site seeing the next day (we are almost 50 after all). Thursday was packed full of walking, site seeing and touring the Johnny Cash Museum, shopping (where I splurged on a cute hand beaded cross body purse), dining and listening to music on Broadway. We dined at Luke Bryan’s place, had cocktails at Jason Aldean’s and discovered a little hole in the wall place named Crossroads that made us feel at home, Texas style. Friday we toured the Country Music Hall of Fame, had a quiet lunch at a Pizzeria, and shopped a little more then headed back to the hotel to get gussied up for a night on the town. We had the pleasure of making new friends the night before from Detroit, Amber and Ed who we reconnected with that evening. The four of us bar hopped like a bunch of 20 year olds on spring break, danced everywhere we went and had a blast. After a few hours of fun the BFF and I had our fill and decided to head back to the hotel but not before we bought street side hotdogs for the walk back. We laughed all the way back to the hotel, oh the memories! Saturday, that was the cherry on top! We both grew up watching the Grand Ole Opry, Hee Haw and listening to all the greats like Loretta Lynn, Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, Conway Twitty, Minnie Pearl with her comedy show and so many others. Touring the Grand Ole Opry brought with it childhood memories and so much more. I even got a little emotional just thinking about what it means to country music artist to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry. As I’m writing this I am still in awe of that place. After, we visited Belle Meade Winery and did a wine tasting. We didn’t get to tour the mansion so we will definitely be going back. We were able to walk the grounds while enjoying a class of wine and the scenery was spectacular. So serine we just sat and enjoyed the peace and beauty that surrounded us. This was our last night in Nashville so we kept it low-key and had dinner and drinks at the hotel restaurant while being entertained by great local talent. We were in our room and pajamas by 9:30 p.m. still in awe at how Saturday was definitely a great way to end the trip. Sunday morning came and we headed back home to Texas and reality but we were well rested and grateful we decided to embark on this adventure. We are already talking and planning another trip to celebrate our 50^th birthdays this year.

I can remember looking out of the hotel window on that first night and gazing out over all the twinkling lights and thinking “wow, I can’t believe I’m in this place” not the actual location but this place in my life. Once I became a Mom I had sacrificed so much of what I WANTED (not needed, there is a difference) to ensure my kids had what they needed and sometimes wanted. I’m sure many of you ladies out there can relate. It has taken me a very long time to be okay with doing the things I want to do and not having to justify rewarding myself. I shared this experience to encourage you to take the trip, buy the shoes, get the lashes or just do whatever it is you want to do! Life is too short to have regrets. Like King George says “I’m not here for a long time but I’m here for a good time”. So, I’ve decided to live the life I’d always imagined!

~ A Diva Living Life to the Fullest

Unraveling My Brokenness

You never truly know how broken you are until you are in a situation that forces you to look within yourself. Over the past nine months I have been dealing with personal situations that have forced me to take a deeper look at my mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. God has begun to reveal some things to me that were so deeply buried I never even knew they existed. It’s been painful but the bright side is that I can now begin to address these issues and heal the brokenness to become a better version of myself.

One of the issues that was unburied is where my sense of insecurity and inability to trust came from.  If I’m completely honest, it is the inability to trust men. As a little girl, I had a relationship with my father that was not as close I had wished for, but it was a relationship. I remember my mother dropping me off to spend the day with him and my Abuelita. He eventually got married, and I didn’t see him again for about 15 years. There is one specific time that has haunted me my whole life and that was when I saw him at the grocery store.  I stood right next to him in hopes he would acknowledge me. I’ll never forget how I felt when he turned away from me like I was a complete stranger. Did he see me and just deliberately not acknowledge me or had so much time passed since the last time he had seen me that he didn’t even recognize me? Growing up through the years my mother would encourage me to call him and reach out to him, so I did. We would talk on the phone for a bit and then a month or years would go by before I would attempt to reach out again. The last time I spoke to him on the phone, I invited him to my quincenera and he promised he would be there. He never showed up. A few days later, I remember telling my mom “do not ever ask me to call that man again” because I was done trying. My heart had been broken one too many times by him, and I was not going to allow it to happen again. Little did I know, this would shape how I viewed men for the rest of my life. When he married, he had more children, and I then became just a “person” from his past. I was just another girl once in his life. This other woman, his wife would now be my replacement as was his other children. No fault to them, but this is how I felt. Since then, I have carried the feeling of rejection, unworthiness and insecurities into my adult relationships. These feelings soon led me to finding myself in relationships that mirrored how my father made me feel that day at the grocery store. The feeling of being replaceable or expendable.

When I was 15 years old, I met a boy who eventually became the father of my children and my husband. We were childhood sweethearts because we grew up together. Unfortunately, because of my past I held him to a standard he could never live up to. How could he? He was a child himself! I was a few months older than him so he was only 14 years old when we met. Looking back, we were both broken children looking to each other to fulfill voids we both had that neither of us had the emotional, mental or spiritual maturity to fulfill. We finally married when our oldest son was 18 months old and from that point on Luis Sr. not only became my husband but also the surrogate for my father. So, when he made mistakes, as we all do, not only did he have to pay the price for his mistakes, but the man (my father) before him. As time when on, we grew and matured but never really healed. Our marriage eventually came to an end, and we parted ways. The scars of abandonment and rejection were reopened and the wounds were made deeper.

As a single woman for the past 20 years I had unknowingly fixated my thoughts on “no man can be trusted” and had the expectation they all leave at some point. In the years I’ve been single, my attempts at dating and relationships have not been successful. All these years, I’ve always blamed “the man” due to my inability to trust. I had pushed people away. There were a couple I can honestly admit attempted to stick it out with me and prove that not all men were the same but because of my brokenness, I was relentless in my beliefs to the point I would give them no choice but to concede and prove me right. I have been forced to take a deeper look within myself lately and have asked God to reveal to me the root of what has caused me so much pain over the years. The beautiful thing about God is that He will not force you to address the painful scars of your past until you are ready, its then that He will reveal it to you. Now that I know where the root of my insecurity and mistrust come from, I can begin to heal. Part of that healing is coming to a place of forgiveness, true forgiveness. As one of my friends recently told me “because you have not come to true forgiveness of those who have hurt you in the past, you’ve allowed it to impact your future”. I recognize that now but it has taken me many years, broken relationships and pain I’ve inflicted on others to fully grasp just how broken I was.  It’s taken me so long to come to this conclusion. I not only have to forgive others. I have to remember to work on forgiving myself as well. I also had to finally admit to myself until I address these issues I would not be able to establish a happy, healthy, loving and trustworthy relationship with someone else.

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” My purpose and prayer for this blog is that you find hope in healing, courage to face demons and generational curses that secretly haunt you and comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your brokenness. I urge you to seek God ask Him to reveal to you areas of your life that need healing so that you can live the life God always intended you to live. John 10:10 “…I come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly”.

~A Diva Healing Everyday~